the inside of it all

entry no. 1

Maybe we have a better reason than most to seek out what we don't understand. Of course, the notion that there are things we can never truly seek out is deeply horrifying, but the notion that one may know what no other could is even more troubling. How does one start to cope with a narrative in his mind that he truly believes no other human will experience? Perhaps even his experiences alone cannot be accounted for and this drives him further away from his fellows. All the while, his desire for understanding moves him to accomplish greater and greater tasks that alienate him. This turmoil is what I believe my personal experience with addiction to be. What's worse is that I sit here writing convoluted stories to try and make sense or purpose for my struggles, ones even the most offensive case of self-awareness could not cure. I cry with the loneliness that comes with my original experiences, yet there is little chance that not one other soul has felt the way I did in those moments. Of course, the circumstances of how my life has played out is pieced together from every choice and person and place that has come through it, but the emotions that come from them are intrinsic to the human experience. We have all felt our hearts drop to our stomachs, we have all had the ball of excitement so tight in our throats that there is no stopping us from yelping with elation. Yet I try to excuse my actions with "you wouldn't understand what I'm going through."